The “I Don’t Want / I Do Want” Technique

When communicating an expectation, too many leaders say: "The reports need to be better."

Effective leaders say: "I don't want you to submit reports late and unvetted. I do want you to submit them by 3pm every Friday, checked for accuracy."

The difference? One creates confusion. The other creates clarity. One assigns blame. The other improves performance.

What it is

When you’re a leader, you’re constantly managing the space between what you hope happens and what actually does.

Most leaders default to problem-focused feedback. They point out what's wrong, what can't happen, what needs to stop.

But here's what they miss: negative feedback without positive direction creates pressure, not clarity.

The "I don't want you to / I do want you to" technique works by contrasting the behaviour you want to stop with the behaviour you want to start. This is powerful because people often know what's wrong, but don't always know what you prefer instead.

When you show both the boundary (what you won't accept) and the target (what you're aiming for), you give them a clear pathway. They know exactly where they stand and where to go next.

Why It Transforms Performance

This technique is inherently respectful. You're addressing the behaviour ("When the deadline is missed…") rather than attacking the person ("You're unreliable"). This keeps relationships intact while still addressing performance issues.

It also creates forward momentum. Instead of just saying "Don't do X," you're showing "Do Y instead." That gives people a clear route forward and helps them align with what excellence looks like.

The clarity eliminates the guessing game that wastes time and creates frustration on both sides. When people understand both what to avoid and what to aim for, they can self-correct much more effectively.

How to Use It in Leadership

This is a mini lesson from my Leadership Essentials program, where I work with leaders who want to communicate with both clarity and care.

The formula is straightforward:

Identify the specific behaviour you want to change. Be specific about what happened rather than speaking in generalities.

Name what you don't want to see continue. Explain the impact, not just the rule.

Immediately follow with what you do want instead. Connect it to benefits they care about.

Add a boundary or next step if needed. Be clear about follow-through.

Real Example: Phone Use in Meetings

You've noticed a team member constantly checking their phone during meetings. You've hinted at it before, but nothing's changed.

Instead of this weak approach: "Can you please stop checking your phone during meetings?"

Try this: "I don't want phones out during our team meetings because it breaks everyone's focus and signals that other things matter more than our decisions. I do want you fully present so we can move faster, make better choices, and avoid having to circle back on things we've already discussed."

What makes this better: The "don't want" part explains the impact on the team. The "do want" part connects to benefits everyone cares about: faster meetings and better decisions. The language is confident rather than pleading.

This transforms a simple request into leadership communication that shows you understand the bigger picture.

Tips for Maximum Impact

• Use “I” language. It keeps ownership of the standard with you: “I expect,” “I prefer,” “I need”

• Keep it specific. Avoid vague words like better, soon, or more often that leave room for confusion.

• Follow through. When you say what you expect, model it. Consistency builds trust and shows you mean what you say.

• Pair with context so people understand why the standard matters, not just what it is.

Your Next Leadership Moment

This week, pick your most frustrating repeated conversation and reframe it using this technique. Instead of focusing on what's going wrong, show both the boundary and the target.

Watch how quickly clarity improves performance.

Using "I don't want… I do want…" gives your team a clear pathway between what you'll accept and what you're aiming for.

After you try it, let me know what changes. I've taught this to hundreds of leaders, and the results are always immediate.

Author’s Note:

Adapted and applied for leadership communication by Andrea Tunjic, based on principles of assertive dialogue and Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg).